Mary Sue: The owner's Manual
by Jade Snape-Holloway
Summary: Congratulations, you are the proud new owner of a Harry Potter Mary Sue! Read this manual to find out what to do next!
1. Chapter 1

MARY SUE: THE OWNERS MANUAL.

A/N: I don't know what gave me this idea. I just want to mock Sues mercilessly. Please review! Constructive criticism is fine, but no mindless bad reviews, please.

INTRODUCTION. Congratulations, you are the proud new owner of a Harry Potter Mary Sue!  
Now that you have it, how do you use it? This guide will tell you all you need to know.  
It has four parts:

Getting Started: Possible names. Where to put your Mary Sue. Common Mary Sue situations and how to make them your own.

Taking Care of your Mary Sue: How to keep her alive if flames persist. Diet. What is best for your Mary Sue?

Becoming the Suether: Proper spelling. Proper way to respond to flames. Proper fan fiction attitude.

Extra things to make your Mary Sue better: Common Mary Sue traits. Healthy habits. Fashion tips.

When you finish reading your owner's manual, you will have your very own Mary Sue to annoy fan fiction readers throughout the world!

MARY SUE SMITERS UNITED'S WARNING TO SUETHORS:

Warning: Use of Mary Sues may result in: Nausea, vomiting, suicide, head banging on flat surface, anger, annoyance, merciless flames, loss of will to live, intense hatred of suethor, death threats, temporary insanity, loss of appetite, loss of brain cells, and smashing of the computer screen.

The Mary Sue does not only affect the suethor, but it also affects the readers. It is called second-hand Sue, and it is just as danger us. Please, think before you Sue. 


	2. Chapter 2: Getting started

A/N: Wow, thanks for the reviews, guys! J Hope this one is good!

MARY SUE: THE OWNER'S MANUAL.

PART 1: GETTING STARTED.

One of the many joys of Sueing is that you have complete freedom to name your Mary Sue what ever you want. Common name choices include: Actual names, misspellings of actual names, places, words that are not names, and random groupings of letters. Or you could name her after yourself, as many other Suethor have done.

Throughout fan fiction, common names have included the following:

Anastasia Anna Ashley Broke Cassandra Celeste Christina Claire Crystal Danielle Destiny Daisy Dominique Evie Evelyn,  
Genevra (mostly found in Ginny!Sue)  
Gwendolyn Hara Jackolyn (yes, spelled that way)  
Katherine Kylie Laura Leanne Layla Marie Meghan

Moxie Natalia Natasha Raven Rose Samantha Serena Serenity Sylvia Tess

This list does not include made up names. Remember to give your Sue many names to make her more Sueish! You could even use this entire list!

WHERE TO PUT YOUR MARY SUE.

This is the owner's manual for Harry Potter Mary Sues, therefore you must put her in the Harry Potter fandom.  
But this is to help you decide how to introduce your Mary Sue into the world of canon.

If you want the classic approach, you could always make her a beautiful foreign exchange student. She can be from any country in the world (even another planet!), but most popular is America.

But, you may be thinking, isn't that idea over done and clichéd? Yes, it is, but all Mary Sues are, so you don't have to worry about it! Your story is sure to be very original, given that you gave her a cool, made up name, and ZOMG!!!11SUPER SPECHUL POWERZ!11™ .  
If you wanted to be even more original in your writing, you could even make her mean, and maybe even slightly evil. Don't listen to people who tell you that makes her worse, they are just jealous (more on that in part 3: Becoming a Suethor)!

Maybe your Mary Sue is an adult. Please note that it makes Mary Sues sometimes harder to spot when they are adults. If you go in that direction, you could use the method of Canon's Daughter!Sue.

She can come to Hogwarts in search of her mother/father after having grown up in an orphanage and never knowing love.

Adult Sues may also be: New Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers, new Order members, or mysterious women who are usually vampires.

Before you decide, look over the following list of Sue types:

Canon's Daughter!Sue Dark!Sue American!Sue Canon!Sue Marauder!Sue Adult!Sue Anti!Sue (when the author spends too much time describing how ordinary a person is)  
Author Insert!Sue Muggle!Sue Rebel!Sue Goth!Sue Punk!Sue Slut!Sue Troublemaker!Sue.  
You could also start you own breed of Sue, if you are creative enough!

COMMON MARY SUE SITUATIONS AND HOW TO MAKE THEM YOUR OWN.

There can be no Mary Sue fic without a love triangle. Common triangles are Harry/ Draco/ Mary Sue, or Harry/Ron/Mary Sue.

In all fics, Hermione is required to act like a bitch and be jealous of Mary Sue. She sometimes even knows Mary Sue's OMG LYK, DARK SECRET!!111!™.

Harry and Ron (sometimes Draco) usually become very buff and Hermione sometimes gets a make over and goes by the name of Mione. These are not Mary Sue fic requirements, though. If you should choose to use these examples, you must know how to make them your own.

Also ways use lots and lots of internet speech for an interesting fan fic. Grammar and proper spelling are not necessary.  
For even more originality, put your own friends in the fic, as friends of the Mary Sue. That way, your fic will be like no one else's and your friends get to experience the thrill of being perfect!

Make the Sue fall in love with your favorite character. You see? This fic is as original as you are!  
To go the extra step, make her look like you, or even name her after you. No one can say she's just like all the others now.

Remember to over describe every single thing about her for a healthy Mary Sue.

Now that you have decided what to name her, what type you want her to be, and ways to make her more original, you can move on to part 2: Taking Care of your Mary Sue: How to keep her alive if flames persist. Diet. What is best for your Mary Sue?

SUE SMITERS UNITED NOTE TO SUETHORS:

We wish to point out that just because you name her one of the listed names, she is not always a Sue. As long as you avoid clichés, make her a well-rounded character with REAL flaws, and take a Mary Sue litmus test before all fan fiction, you should be fine.  
Thank you.

END NOTES: Thank you reviewers! And just so you know, all the names listed are actually really common Mary Sue names. I owe all knowledge of Mary Sue fics to the author Sharap'n and her awesome C2 of over 1000 solid Mary Sue fics! It rocks! Check it out! And please review! J 


	3. Chapter 3: Taking care of your Sue

MARY SUE: THE OWNER'S MANUAL.

PART 2: TAKING CARE OF YOUR MARY SUE.

One of the most common side effects of Sueing is flames. They are inevitable when you Sue because for some strange reason, people don't like Sues.

Flames may come in obvious form, but may also include constructive criticism. Don't listen to them, though. They're just jealous and it's important to respond and tell them so (more on proper ways to respond in part 3).

So how do you keep your Mary Sue alive if she's being flamed every review? Well, it's important to ignore every flame.

And how do you do that when everyone is telling that your fic is horrible? All you have to do is write them off as jealous flamers, enraged that they don't share your wonderful writing abilities.

It's also a good idea to mention this in you Author's Note. Remember that these people have no life. They just know they could never create something as great as your Sue, such an original plot idea, they don't have your creative abilities!

PROPER DIET FOR A MARY SUE.

It's common knowledge that Mary Sues can eat anything they want and not gain any wait. She can eat rat poison and nothing will happen to her unless you, the author, want it too!

However, it is healthiest for her to be fed a steady diet of human souls three times a day.

WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR MARY SUE?

Your Mary Sue will be happiest if you follow these easy steps:

1: Surround your Mary Sue with adoring men. She can only be a true Mary Sue if one (or preferably more) men are in love with her.

2: Make sure she's praised like a goddess everyday.

3: Over describe every detail of her, including her height and/or bra size.

4: Just to keep readers happy, give her a few flaws, such as 'she was so pretty it hurt,' or 'nobody liked her cause she was so perfect and they were all jealous of her.'

5: NEVER admit she's a Sue, even when she so obviously is. Then you cannot maintain the belief that everyone else is just jealous.

6: It's best to just go ahead and describe her as 'perfect,' because there are no other words for her.

Now that you know what's best for her, you're ready to move on to part 3: Proper spelling. Proper way to respond to flames. Proper fan fiction attitude.

SUE SMITERS UNITED'S NOTES TO READERS:

We are not jealous of your writing abilities. Any monkey with a key board could create the same thing, so we certainly could. If you create a Mary Sue, you must be prepared to take flames. If you wish to avoid Mary Sueing, take a Mary Sue litmus test before you write a fic containing an OC. Thank you. 


	4. Chapter 4: The proper fan fic attitude

A/N: Thank you guys for reviewing! I didn▓t think this would get any reviews! Hope you all like this chapter:D 

MARY SUE: THE OWNER▓S MANUAL.

PART 3: BECOMING THE SUETHOR.

It is a well known fact that Sue fics rarely include proper spelling. Most of the time, it is barely even readable. Let▓s take a look at one particularly badly spelled example. It▓s the beginning of an evil Mary Sue fic. This example is also good for showing how Sues are typically described (note that this is an example. It has been put together from several other fics like it.):

OMG!1!!!!1111 UR ZO MEEN!!!!111!111 JST GO 2 HEL N LEEVE ME ALON!!1!11 MY CHARRIE IS NOT A MARRY SUU!!!1!1111 UR JST GELUS OF MEH!!!1111 OMG!!1 U SUCK ZO BAD!!1!11 U WIZH U CUD RITE LYK MEH!!111 GO 2 HEL!!!!11111

It was a dark and stormy nite. Dumbledoor stood up . ⌠ hello, students. I no that evry1 has already been sorted, but ther▓s another grl from America. Her name is (insert long, dramatic name here). She will b sorted now.⌠ The hole scool was shocked to see the beautiful grrl. She was sooper shemxy and she had long balack hair and red eyes and her skin was white as virgin snow and she was wearing ablack corset and tiny leather skirt and she had legs to die for and knee high boots and a choker. U could tell she wuz American cuz she was so cool and punk and stuff.■

While we have this wonderful example of horrible fiction, let▓s point out why this is a Mary Sue fic:

1: The spelling makes peoples▓ eyes bleed.

2: The character is a common Sue, the Bitch!Punk!Goth!Sue. It makes her more of a Sue.

3: Look at her description! ▒Legs to die for?▓ ▒Red eyes?▓ ▒Skin as white as virgin snow?!▓

4: Note that the author seems to think British people can▓t be punk. Great Suethors like yourself cannot be bothered doing any research on Britain, or even thinking at all.

5: Most great Sue fics include Chat Speak.

Now, on with the point of this chapter, the proper spelling.

There can really be no Mary Sue fic without spelling that can only be described as evil.  
It is best to make mistakes on words like light. Note how the author misspells very small words. Also, be sure to combine words together, such as ▒ablack.▓

Many people will point out that all computers have a spell check part. Again, this is simply the flamers jealousy and is best ignored. 

PROPER WAY TO RESPOND TO FLAMES.

The Author▓s Note at the beginning of the example is a good response.

As we said in the last chapter, keep in mind that these people have no life and are jealous of your writing abilities. When your fic is flamed, it▓s important to respond immediately. Typically, you should respond like the example showed:

OMG!1!!!!1111 UR ZO MEEN!!!!111!111 JST GO 2 HEL N LEEVE ME ALON!!1!11 MY CHARRIE IS NOT A MARRY SUU!!!1!1111 UR JST GELUS OF MEH!!!1111 OMG!!1 U SUCK ZO BAD!!1!11 U WIZH U CUD RITE LYK MEH!!111 GO 2 HEL!!!!11111

They will be speechless by your wonderful logic and maturity.

PROPER FAN FICTION ATTITUDE.

It▓s very important to have the proper attitude on or any other fan fiction web site you may be on.  
If you do not have the right attitude, you will never bounce back from the flames you will definitely receive.

Your fan fiction attitude should be something like ▒I don▓t care if you don▓t like my story. It▓s my fic and I can do anything I want!▓ You see? You should never let flames get to you because these people have no right to tell you what to write. It is a free country and you can write anything you want!

Remember to keep telling yourself that they▓re all just jealous of you. How dare they give you bad reviews when you want to be a writer! If you want to be a writer, they should all just tell you your story is great!

This should be your fan fiction Suethor attitude for the rest of you Sueing years!  
Now you can move on to part four.

SUE SMITERS UNITED▓S NOTE TO READERS:

That attitude is idiotic. If you want to be a writer, then you have to except constructive criticism. It▓s one thing to ask for no flames, but yelling at people who try to help get better is just stupid and makes you look as so.  
Thank you.

END NOTES: Well, thank you for reviewing: D Yes, that part I had at the beginning with the fic example was a real fic. Pathetic, I know, but real. Please review! 


	5. Chapter 5: Extras

MARY SUE. THE OWNER'S MANUAL.

PART 4: Extra things to make your Mary Sue better: Common Mary Sue traits. Healthy habits. Fashion tips.

Now that you know what to name her, how to take care of her, and how to properly act in your fan fiction, you can move on to use these extra Mary Sue traits.

COMMON MARY SUE TRAITS.

We all know that a Mary Sue would be very boring and almost not even a Mary Sue if she didn't have something incredible about her. The following are common things you can give her to make her more Sueish.

1: ZOMG!!!111 SUPER SPECHUL POWERZZ!!!!!1111!!11™

2: OMG!!! DARK SECRET!!!!!! ™

3: OMG!!!1!1 LUV TRIANGLE!!!!111!!!™

4: OMG!!! SO SAD SACRIFICE 4 LUV!!!!!1!1111 ™

5: OMG!!!11!11 SHE IS DA PRINCEZ UD A OMG HUGE COUNTRY!!!11 ™

6: OMG!!!1!1!!!11 SHE GOT DA SPECHUL PENDENT TAT SHOWS SHE DA CHOSEN 1 !!!!!111111 ™

These examples are all of things you can give her to make her more Sueish, but don't forget to make her sound like a Sue by using some of the following descriptions:

Hair: Long, flowing, obsidian waterfall, golden wheat, graceful curls, ebony locks, golden waves, dark red.

Eyes: Emerald green, sapphire blue, blood red, glowing, orb like, cinnamon brown, sharp, multi-colored, amethyst, tear filled, piercing, soulful.

Body: Legs to die for, curves in all the right places, hour glass figure, anorexic looking, thin with 'big tits' (I swear I've seen that one!).

Skin: Ivory, virgin snow, smooth, flawless.

Note that Mary Sues can have any colored eyes, hair, or skin, these are just the most common.

HEALTHY HABITS.

It's not easy for your Mary Sue, having that beautiful body and hair. Help her maintain them by following these tips.

For hair:

Always make sure her hair is brushed 100,000 times when she gets up in the morning, and 100,000 times before she goes to sleep.

Make sure she uses only the best conditioner and shampoo to keep that unnatural shine! 

Never let her use any hair products such as hair spray, hair dye, or anything else that is not absolutely necessary. Since Sues are not human, their hair has special needs.

When she sleeps, make sure she wears a hair net or hair curlers so that in the morning she will have those locks to die for. 

Body:

As we said, she can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight, but it's healthiest to have her eat three humans souls a day.

She will not have to work out to maintain her awesome body, but apparently, playing Quidditch helps her stay in shape. If you write a Gary Stu, this will give him rippling muscles.

Make sure she wears clothes that shows off how hot she is!

FASHION TIPS.

It's a well known fact that a Mary Sue is not required to wear the Hogwarts uniform. That would be far too canon. No, your Mary Sue should wear something incredibly revealing and inappropriate.

Throughout fan fiction, you will find that almost all Mary Sues shop at Hot Topic. Don't worry about explaining how she gets all her clothes from there when they live in a magical community that does not have a Hot Topic store, and students must all wear the uniforms.

Depending on what type of Sue you have, her wardrobe should consist of clothes appropriate for her type. All Mary Sues should have the following clothes in their closets:

1: Fish net stockings.  
2: Thigh or knee high boots (preferably black).

3: Chain belts.

4: A choker necklace.

5: A leather mini-skirt (preferably black).

6: A tube top shirt (in black or red).

7: A locket with pictures of her dead parents so that she can show it to her boy friend and cry over it, because that inevitably leads to sex.

8: Tight, hip hugger jeans.

9: A tight tee-shirt (preferably with writing on it).

10: A strapless dress (in black or red).

These are all things that any Mary Sue should have. If your Mary Sue is a Goth!Sue, be sure to give her stereotypical goth clothes. Same goes for what ever type of Sue she is.

OK, thanks to one nice reviewer, I decided to put in this extra bit: Standard cliché usage.

STANDARD CLICHÉ USAGE.

As we all know, there would be no Mary Sue without a cliché plot. All Mary Sue fics include many stupid clichés, and this part will show you which ones there are and how to use them.

Cliché #1: American!Sue.  
STANDARD USAGE OF THIS CLICHÉ: A foreign exchange student comes to Hogwarts. Everyone loves her except Hermione, who is jealous of her.

Cliché #2: Voldemort's daughter.

STANDARD USAGE OF THIS CLICHÉ: Voldemort's daughter comes to Hogwarts. She is usually sent to kill Harry, but it doesn't work out and she falls in love with him. Her mother could possibly some women Voldemort raped.

Cliché # 3: The ball for no reason.

STANDARD USAGE OF THIS CLICHÉ: In honor of the Mary Sue coming to Hogwarts, Dumbledore decides to have a ball for no reason. It can be a masquerade, or a prom style ball, but it's pointless just the same.

Cliché #4: The inevitable love triangle.

STANDARD USAGE OF THIS CLICHÉ: Mary Sue is always the object of affection for at least two major characters. Usually Harry, Ron, or Draco (though it has been done where Mary Sue and Draco both fall for Harry).

Cliché #5: Buff Harry and Ron.

STANDARD USAGE OF THIS CLICHÉ: For some reason, Harry, Ron, and sometimes Draco become hot and buff.

Cliché #6: New Hermione.

STANDARD USAGE OF THIS CLICHÉ: Hermione gets a make over from her 'American cousin' and decides books are dumb. She even sometimes becomes a bitch. She usually gets straight hair and wears clothes that only a streetwalker would wear.

There are countless other over used plots out there, but these are the most common. Now that you have completed this manual, you can get your Mary Sue license and maybe even start your own cliché!

MARY SUE SMITERS UNITED'S NOTE TO SUETHORS:

Remember that it's OK to describe your OC using something poetic, but don't go over board on it. Take the Mary Sue Litmus Test before you write anything. Please write responsibly. Thank you.

END NOTES: OK, that was fun! Please review and thank you if you did:D 


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